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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24382777">Growing’s More Like a Gradual Slope I Think</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/astrovis/pseuds/astrovis'>astrovis</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Steven Universe (Cartoon)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Brief suicidal thoughts, Comfort, Had a FAT moment a bit after my 15th bday n made this, Oneshot, Other, POV Second Person, Panic Attacks, Phone Calls, Pre SU:TM. Everyone is still older tho, Reader-Insert, Texting, Wanted to die. thank u passage of time xoxo ☺️✨💫, gender ambiguous reader, vent - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 01:54:56</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,516</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24382777</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/astrovis/pseuds/astrovis</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s funny really. All this time you spent wishing to grow older, become more mature, and once it finally happens you hate it.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Connie Maheswaran/Reader, Steven Universe &amp; Reader (Implied)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Growing’s More Like a Gradual Slope I Think</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Before you get worried abt the “vent” tag I’m fine now fhdhgjh,,,, also age timeline may be a bit messed up?? I’m sorry pls forgive me 😔</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You feel.. sick.</p><p> </p><p>Not sick in the ‘I need to vomit’ way, just.. not good. </p><p> </p><p>You’re feeling anxious, very anxious. You’ve realized something just now, and it’s not a comforting thought. You’re scaring yourself and you’re <em>trying</em> to stop but it’s not <em>working</em> and <em>you</em> <em>want it to go away </em><span class="u"><em>why won’t it go away</em></span><em>?</em> </p><p> </p><p>You pull yourself farther into the layers you’re wrapped in. You’re really relieved that you’re alone, but you hate it as well. You want comfort, you’re craving it, but the thought of someone seeing you like this is extremely uncomfortable. Opening up means being uncomfortable. You don’t want to be uncomfortable.</p><p> </p><p>Well, it’s already too late for that isn’t it? You’re already uncomfortable—with an aspect of yourself to be specific.</p><p> </p><p>You’re growing.</p><p> </p><p>That’s not something you’ve had an issue with before—you’ve looked forward to it in fact—but now you’re just realizing what this is leading to. </p><p> </p><p>You’re growing. You’re growing <span class="u">so fast</span> yet you don’t <em>feel</em> <em>ready</em> for any of it. There’s so much that you don’t know—what are 15 year olds even supposed to know?! You don’t know that and you’re one of them!</p><p> </p><p>You don’t want to grow up yet. You’re not prepared. You can’t you <em>can’t you’ll </em><b><em>never</em></b><em> be ready an</em><b><em>d</em></b> <b><em>maybe you should die before you become an adult then </em></b><span class="u"><b><em>you’ll never grow up you’ll stay a kid forever no responsibilitiesnobeingaloneno</em></b></span><b><em>—</em></b></p><p> </p><p>Your self awareness returns full force and irrational thoughts and logic begin to clash because what are you <em>thinking </em>you <span class="u"><em>can’t</em></span><em> could you imagine how everyone would </em><span class="u"><em>react</em></span><em> how could you be so </em><b><em>selfish—</em></b></p><p> </p><p>You try to get yourself to breathe a bit, to <em> calm down, </em> because your eyes are teary and this situation is <em> so ridiculous </em> and <em> why are you crying </em> <span class="u"> <em> you aren’t a child anymore this shouldn’t matter </em> <b> <em>stop crying</em> </b> </span> <b> <em>.</em> </b> </p><p> </p><p>You wipe your eyes miserably, going to grab something to blow your nose with. You need to distract yourself, that’s what usually works. Watch something funny maybe? Yeah. That’ll be ok.</p><p> </p><p>Breathing still ragged, you silently tap the TubeTube app on your phone. You’ll be fine. You’ll be okay. This’ll pass, just watch something. Stream highlights are fun yeah? Those are good.</p><p> </p><p>You stay at it for a good ten minutes, halfway through one video, and you can feel yourself calming down before you get a notification.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>「 💬 — MESSAGES             now 」</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>
    <b>Connie M. 🧡</b>
  </p>
  <p>____! Can I call you?</p>
</blockquote><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>A bit surprised at the sudden question, you go to respond to her. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p><b>Today </b>1:37 PM</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>『 👀 』 </p>
  <p>『 Why,, 』</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>『 Because! I haven’t seen you in like 2 days!! 』</p>
  <p>『 I miss you 🥺 』</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>『 Eye……. 』</p>
  <p>『 Connie.. we text.. everyday.. 』</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>『 JDSFDK 』</p>
  <p>『 SO?? 』</p>
  <p>『 I miss your voice! I like. crave it. 』</p>
</blockquote><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>You feel yourself blushing a bit at that. No matter how many times she complimented you, you’d never get used to it. </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>『 You’re flirting with me ma’am?.. gross 😳😳 』</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>『 WE’RE DATING?? 』</p>
  <p>『 And you still haven’t said yes or no to my question 』</p>
  <p>『 Please?? 』</p>
</blockquote><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>You hesitate for a moment. You aren’t exactly feeling the best, but talking with someone would be a good distraction right? What’s the worst that could happen?</p><p> </p><p>Decision made, you quickly type a response.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>『 Hdjeheje ok 💖 』</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>(<strong>Connie M.</strong> 🧡 loved “Hdjeheje ok 💖”)</p>
</blockquote><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Your phone suddenly starts to vibrate—call screen blatantly displayed—and promptly, you press accept.</p><p> </p><p>“____!”</p><p> </p><p>You giggle a bit. “Hi Connie.”</p><p> </p><p>She lets out a small hum. “I’m so glad to be able hear your voice right now. I’m actually feeling a bit—well—stressed, <em> eheh. </em>.”</p><p> </p><p>You frown a bit at her nervous laughter. “You okay?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah yeah! I’m fine! Just college stuff y’know,” You feel yourself frown a bit more, nervously looking at your wall. She <em> was </em> going to college soon wasn’t she?</p><p> </p><p>At 15.</p><p> </p><p>“Anyways,” you’re quickly snapped out of your thoughts. You think you can hear something shift on her side of the phone. “What are you doing right now?”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh!” You go to sit up. “I was just—y’know—watching stuff on TubeTube.” </p><p> </p><p>“Ah, you were? Who were you watching?”</p><p> </p><p>The conversation goes on, talking about the Tubetubers you frequent, but you aren’t truly into it. All you can think about is that Connie is <b> <em>15</em> </b> and she’s going to <b> <em>college</em> </b> and you <span class="u"> <em> just </em> </span> finished freshman year and <em> are you going to have to go to college soon you don’t even know how to </em> <b> <em>apply</em> </b> <em> wh— </em></p><p> </p><p>“____?”</p><p> </p><p>You flinch. “What?”</p><p> </p><p>“Are you okay?” You can tell that she’s frowning. “You seem.. <em> off </em>.”</p><p> </p><p>“<em> Y-yeah! </em> Yeah, I’m fine,” You attempt to push down your anxiety again, you don’t want to worry her. “Uhm, do you know what Steven’s doing? You probably couldn’t talk to him earlier since you called me right?” </p><p> </p><p>“Bold of you to assume you weren’t my first choice,” she states playfully. “But yeah, he’s busy right now.”</p><p> </p><p>“With what?”</p><p> </p><p>She makes a minor noise of disdain. “The diamonds. They called him up for an ‘emergency’ an hour ago but I think we all know what that really means,” She lets out a sigh of exasperation. “I feel bad for him. They aren’t very<em> —tolerable— </em>in large doses.”</p><p> </p><p>Oh yeah. You’d completely forgotten about that. How Steven has to deal with satiating space dictators. At 16.</p><p> </p><p>16.</p><p> </p><p>That’s only a year away.</p><p> </p><p>“____?” You’re silent. “You’re sure you’re okay??”</p><p> </p><p>“I.. U-uhm,” Anxiety bubbles up your voice is <em> wavering </em> and you <em> can’t lie you’re not ready you’re scared </em> <span class="u"> <b> <em>please</em> </b> <em> someone just hold you </em> </span> <em> — </em>“N-no? I-I’m not.”</p><p> </p><p>“Are you crying??”</p><p> </p><p>“I-I’m sorry! I’m trying not to! It’s just everything is moving so <em> fast </em> and you two have <em> done </em> so much and <em> know </em> so much and I don’t know <span class="u"> <em> anything </em> </span> and—”</p><p> </p><p>“W-whoa whoa wait! Calm down!” She tries to reason with you. “You shouldn’t c—”</p><p> </p><p>“Connie you don’t understand!” You can feel the frustration building. You don’t mean to yell. You already regret doing it because you could never let yourself <em> truly </em> get mad at her. She’s so <em> great </em> and <em> amazing </em> and you <span class="u"> <em> love </em> </span> her but she doesn’t understand and you’re <b>dying</b> . “You and Steven saved the entire world before either of you even finished <em> puberty! </em>I don’t even know how to apply for a job!”</p><p> </p><p>You shouldn’t be saying this, you <em> know </em> it’s ridiculous at best because they <em> aren’t like you </em> they’re <em> different </em> but you can’t stop. “Steven’s been managing an entire school for almost a year Connie! At <b> <em>16!</em> </b> I’m the <span class="u"> same age </span> as you now and while I’ve barely just <em> finished </em> freshman year, you’re preparing to go to <b> <em>college!</em> </b> <em> ” </em></p><p> </p><p>“I-I’m.. I just,” You sniffle, brushing some tears out of your eyes. “I’m scared. I don’t want to do all of that yet. I’m not ready at all..”</p><p> </p><p>It’s silent for a bit, and you’re immensely regretting your life decisions, until she finally speaks again.</p><p> </p><p>“____…” </p><p> </p><p>“I-I’m sorry. I—”</p><p> </p><p>“Y-you don’t need to apologize! You’re fine,” You can hear her shifting. “Can i come over?”</p><p> </p><p>You look down at your knees. “Y-yeah. Please.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Your hair is really soft y’know,” You play with a long, black strand of hers as she holds you. “I like it a lot.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She laughs, petting your head a bit. “Thank you!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You’re both on the soft floor of your living room, laying against Lion for support. He’s asleep as far as you can tell, and he’s extremely comfortable.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You’ve been sat here for a few hours. Talking, laughing, just being around each other. Holding each other. It’s calming, taking in one another’s presence like this. Much better than being alone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Y’know,” she starts, “Just because you’re 15 now doesn’t mean you have to suddenly know or do things.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You stare at your hand, avoiding eye contact as you twirl her hair around your finger. “I know.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span class="u">
    <em>
      <span>Seriously</span>
    </em>
  </span>
  <span>,” She cups the side of your face with her hand, making you look at her. “This might sound kind of weird but, you know that thing gross old people say?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You cringe a bit, despite feeling a twinge of amusement at her phrasing. “Yeah.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, I guess I feel like it’s kinda sad how it’s used y’know? I feel like it applies so well to you. How you feel right now,” She starts thumbing your cheek, looking away in concentration. “Just because you’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>this age</span>
  </em>
  <span> one day and </span>
  <em>
    <span>another age</span>
  </em>
  <span> the next doesn’t mean that you’re supposed to undergo some massive change because of it. People don’t work like that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Your level of maturity and responsibility shouldn’t be instantly determined over some random number that people put so much value to.” She pulls her hand away from your face, instead using it for emphasis. “It’s only been like, what, a week and a half after your birthday? You’re still practically the same as you were before it!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She lowers her hand, going to use it to hold you again. “I don’t know. I just.. Don’t feel like you’re expected to instantly mature y’know? Growing is gradual. There shouldn’t be any jumps.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You smile, holding her closer. “Okay.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She laughs a bit, doing the same to you.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You’re fine. Everything's fine.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You may be growing, but it’s not that bad. It’s okay. You’re gonna go slow.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Just a gradual slope.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I FINALLY FINISHED WRITING A PERSONAL WORK. AAUGJ HOLY CHRIST. I HAVE SO MANY ABANDONED WIPS IN MY GOOGLE DOCS ITS NOT EVEN FUNNY. </p><p>Anyways uhm.. leave me a comment maybe?? That’d be cool fdhfh,,</p><p>(Btw this is cross posted to my Wattpad if you see it on there. Also I spelled “I” like that in the texting part on PURPOSE don’t worry)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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